Movie Texters Should Be Bloodied!
My friend Michael Musto has made a modest proposal, which I heartily second: people who text at the movies should have their fingers chopped off! Here’s why: ‘It shows no regard whatsoever for the people who’ve paid to actually see the movie (or play). It’s a giant “fuck you” to everyone in the vicinity who had no idea their fun night out would involve shielding their eyes from the annoying flashing light and their ears from the hideous clacking just because one dummo needs to find out where to meet for cheap pizza and Gatorade later.
‘It’s an act –if I can continue–of unbelievable narcissism that shows utter contempt for what constitutes proper behavior in public and betrays a sad inability to distinguish a seat in a theater from a toilet bowl in a trailer park.
‘Even a two-headed ignoramus from the planet Zorgon knows that eating popcorn and looking at the screen are perfectly OK activities at a cineplex, but keeping your phone on and using it for two hours of intrusive, idiotic messaging about Jello-shots is absolutely not!
‘Off with their hands! The sound of texting with stumps might be kind of amusing.’
I’m now the only person I know who doesn’t own a cell phone, and I’m still holding out. If I traveled much, I’d absolutely have to have one, because so many pay phones in airports and elsewhere are disabled. But living in Manhattan I really don’t need one. I mean, sometimes it would be convenient when I’m at the grocery store to be able to call my boyfriend at home to ask, “Do we need milk?” or “Is there enough dog food for tomorrow?” But for the most part, I’m an inventory freak, and I keep those issues under control.
I can’t begin to tell you the number of truly embarrassing things I’ve unwillingly overheard on the street and in stores and, yes, in movie theaters pronounced by truly witless people into their goddamned cell phones. And I am *not* easily embarrassed. In fact, I haven’t been embarrassed since 1967.
The world did very well without cell phones–hell, without phones!–for many, many decades. I would willingly support any form of legislation that limits cell phone usage–STARTING with ARRESTING people who yammer away on them while driving a car!!